Am I depressed again?

Hi, I was depressed last year and was on anti-depressants. Have recently come off them and have been fine. Thing is, I work on my own, I practically live on my own as my flatmate has been at her boyfs for 6 weeks so have had no-one at home; my 'boyfriend' who i've been seeing two months lives 4 hours away so we barely see each other, when we do I'm not completely happy. He told me last night he wants us to be exclusive but he doesn't mind if I have a drunken snog now and again...this makes me feel like sh*t as it makes me think he has or intends to do this (I was cheated on by last boyf and am starting to wonder why no man wants to just be with me and only me). I've been crying a lot and not sleeping and having a lot of anxiety (all symptoms I had when in the midst of my depression). Do you think being on my own all the time is contributing to it, and not having loving people around me? I've got mates but I only see them socially now and again. I can't bear to go down that route again and I'm also scared to end things with my boyfriend even though I know deep down he's not for me, as I'm so scared of being even more lonely (especially at weekends). I'm considering moving in with more people but surely that's not going to just end my problems? How pathetic am I if I can't even be by myself? Other people do it without breaking down in tears all the time! I feel absolutely pathetic.

Answer:
I am in a similar predicament to you and I feel that the longer you are on your own the more difficult it is to get back to feeling normal in company.One of the problems I have is my diabetic diet which means that friends inevitably goad you into eating and drinking things which would break the diet;in addition they tend not to understand the distress I undergo from the current condition and also the complications.For example,after i told a f riend that I had difficulty seeing out of one eye he ran across a busy main road in the dark lea ving me to follow.Also,as most of English socialising is drink based and I can't drink this creates problems for me
I rehearse all this ot illustrate that there are difficulties in ifinding the right company or indeed any company at all=and I hav e not mentioned the logistical problems of shift work and in your case distance-and there is a further invisible problem and that is the problem of the big city smartness of 'I am far too important and busy to talk to you;I don't know you 'and have no obligation to talk to you'.And I get the very definite feeling from my 'friends',because they tell me openly and brazenly,that the 'friendship' will last only as long as its convenient and on their terms;thus your feeling that your boyfriend may be setting the ground for a loose set of rules which allow him leeway.This may not be true and he may in fact be trying to reassure you that he is not too demanding and pressuring of you-have a face to face talk with him.
So the question is ; what to do in a world where no body is availbale and even if there were it does not mean anything anyway beause eveybody wants something from you and is not interested in you personnallyI find that as soon as I get comfortable with anyone and settle down for a chat that someone comes along and interrupts and it feels like a sticking plaster being ripped off
At this point I am consumed by self adoration at how feel I have described the problem and horrified at the extent of its solvability
I don't have to consul you as to the dangers of allowing the depression to progress too far without treatment;I also think that your doctor will be looking a little deeper this time to find root causes for the underlying problem.On a very superficial level,whenever I see a young woman alone she is always almost fiddling with a mobiel phone and scanning through contacts;being an old guy I loathe them but I thought this is how young women kept in touch.I also have a great deal of sympathy for young women who want genuine one on one commitment from young men as I know from my own experience how utterly driven a man is biologically.This is not something women can understand and as far as I can see they have no intention of understanding
Of course ,the answer is simple and it's a numbers game-you have to spread the net wider and make as many new contacts as possible;the paradox is that I am asking you to lift yourself by your bootstraps at a time that you are being sucked in by the quicksand of depression and this is complicated by the logistics of work and lifestyle.
But there are people out here who understand these things and are willing to share with you,and there are men who want one on one such as the 24 year old male virgin who is reduced to giving me a grope because he has no ohter outlet for his needs as he waits for Miss Right
Get networking-join the kennel club if you have to;they are all people-except the dogs obviously.So,to quote agony aunt Claire Rayner 'will you do that for me,luvvy,will you,will?'
talk to a friend or a relative or even a psychaitrist.

u sound like u need somone to chat to.

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